Mind of a boyfriend

Pieces of me – The heart I broke

Her stiletto nails sank deep in my skin. The adrenaline rush raced my Ego and my ID lost the battle to a blind super ego. The psychology of love had won. The score 6- 9, the claws of pleasure had me. I was suffocating in her dripping affection. Her cherry red lips ,as succulent as cacti, thorns included. Her love was my poison, the death was worth every dying second. The more I gave in, the faster my logic eroded . There’s no common sense in love, just strategic stupidity. She drew me in and kissed my neck, and like a vampire she left her mark. An emotional tattoo. She had turned me into her loyal lap dog, her words, my mission. Her beauty only fairly seconded by her reflection, but I can never be sure, she broke all the mirrors.

I was suffocating in her dripping affection.

I’m a slave to her stare, submissive to her needs and a master of her wants. She gave me a kiss on my right cheek. Her breath took mine on a joyride right into the depths of her dark soul. I didn’t want her anymore. She was bad for me. I had been drunk in her love and so blind to her pain. She was broken, I was her last anchor. I was all she had, I wanted to leave now. She cannot be anchored by a rusty heart that’s holding on its last thread. A beat away from oblivion. I blocked her kiss to my lips. Her nails detached from my sweaty glittery skin. Her eyes opened a window to her fragile inner pearl. She was human after all. A product of love gone wrong. I fell in love with her all over again. I wanted to be her knight, but my days were numbered in this game of love. Her hold on me made me lose my guard. I was vulnerable once. Never again. So I left her. I loved her but I had to let her go. Worst case of emotional murder. I remember the last thing I saw. Her tears. I’ve been broken since. I failed her by leaving. It’s all I’m good at.

***

The first heart I broke broke me. I didn’t mean to hurt her but I didn’t know how not to. She was perfect in every sense and I was a certified world class screw up . I’m the type that was banned from playing near other kids in school. Often referred to the alpha of destruction and her heart met my path unfortunately. I loved her, I loved the idea more. She wanted more attention than I could give so I gave her hell, that’s eternity. She opened herself to me and shared her thoughts and feelings with me. She poured her soul to my deaf mind, I ignored her most stressful moments. She lost an anchor, she lost it all. They blame me. I blame myself too. Her whole life changed because I failed to show her love in return. I won’t include details. I owe this girl all the pain I could possibly inflict on myself. We met a year ago. She forgave me. I’m still trying to forgive myself.

The first heart I broke broke me.

***

My actions still haunt me. I broke a little girl’s heart. That is the scar that won’t heal. That’s how I learnt to value other people’s emotions. Every little thing counts. It’s not always about the things you do, it’s about the things you don’t do. Or maybe that’s why I embrace pain, part of me thinks I deserve it. The other part thinks I should be drinking.

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