I want to start by saying this, we have this topic every time and yet humans don’t learn. Deal breakers are those things that turn you off or potentially destroy the relationship if unchecked. The focus here will be on some subtle ones and the obvious ones. This is coming from a place of frustration and observations on how people genuinely lack EQ. These are my thoughts :
Being their parent
Feeling like you have this parent/caretaker role. Giving support, counsel, and all that is great and commendable but when it gets to levels where you have to do everything, things get toxic. Always having to explain things to them, teach them some basic things, plan things for them and all that gets exhausting. A relationship shouldn’t feel like you adopted an adult.
Questions! Questions! Aah More Questions
Being asked too many questions. ‘Askholes’ are just impossible to deal with. Can’t a conversation be just that, no interview questions and Interrogations? Being asked about everything else is also a turnoff, if my intentions have been communicated, trust that I will live up to them. Constantly being questioned feels like you’re not trusted. That goes hand in hand with the constant need for validation, it’s sickening. And to add to that, stupid questions are just not it. I don’t know if I’d love you if you were a horse Susan, but that would be weird and probably illegal.
Lack of communication
Lack of communication. That’s it. And lying. Like I said we have this conversation a lot, so that’s all I’ll say.
Having a constant victim mentality. If everyone else seems to suck and you’re constantly the oppressed victim in every situation and the only reason why your life sucks is because of x thing/y person the problem is you. Scapegoating is toxic. I’d rather help you accept your part in things happening to you than help you point fingers. Lack of accountability is definitely a deal breaker
Past relationships drama
Past relationship drama. Bringing all the baggage from the previous relationships is definitely a deal-breaker. What am I supposed to do with all that weight? I understand I should be your all but where do I fit in with all that clutter you’re hoarding?
Having no friends of your own is a pretty big deal breaker. People who have no social life will make their partner their whole life. It is seemingly cute and adorable but the level of clinging and attachment that comes with that is borderline chaotic. People need friends and other social supports outside a relationship, the truth is your partner can’t be everything, and that’s okay.
Being unemployed / No Substance
Unemployed with no aspirations or initiative. (Yes, I am a walking deal breaker if you’re wondering). Being unemployed is unattractive especially if you’re not making money somehow. Adulting needs money, have you ever wondered why parents ask what your boyfriend does when you introduce him. There’s wisdom in there, learn it. Times are different now, most people are in the informal sector, well in Africa that is, so not doing anything at all is a deal-breaker. We want partners, not dependents.
Being a sheep
If you’re not confident enough to assert your desires, and not dangerous enough to pursue them- you’re not the one for me or anyone. Yes-men or Yes-women are exhausting, stand your ground, have a voice, otherwise, you’re just a puppet with genitals. Agreeable people are hard to build with.
Poor lifestyle choices
This encompasses a lot. Messy room , eats junk, smokes a lot, drinks excessively, spends recklessly, etc. If someone has no inhibitions or care for how they live, how will they live with another human person?
Hygiene, baseless jealousy, terrible sex, inflated ego, self-absorption = entitlement, close relationships with their exes, the list is endless.