Dating in Bulawayo is a community project. Extreme sports. There I was hand in hand with my ex facing Sofia’s bestfriend. Her weapon of mass destruction, umakhalekhukhwini the phone, tightly gripped in her left hand and on her right car keys. I could see her Twitter happy fingers twitching. My girlfriend, u ‘Dear Santa’ was going to be fed false information. Once a story is on Twitter, no one cares about the truth. The truth is boring anyways. Imagine if Vovo knew lunch was paid using my girlfriend’s money. Tinashe, affectionately known as Honda Fit Driver stood there facing us. My relationship was over kanjalo nje.
This woman hated me like Fia’s Male bestfriend. Him, I hated with a passion too. Everyone hates the Male bestfriend. It’s just science. It’s probably in the mjolo manual too. (That’s a real thing, its in the process). I was stunned at her sight. Tinashe was as threatening as she was beautiful. All Bulawayo ladies are beautiful but don’t let that fool you. Some of them are as evil as she was and the rest are possessed with stubbornness. Inkani on steroids. I was about to see a full manifestation of umjolo diaries cliched scenarios and fiction. This was all real. I was about to face the full wrath of a poet with a personal vendetta.
“Wee mlava , charmer boy wenzani ?” she hissed.
“Uhhmm ah , it’s not w-what you”… I stammered
Thula, Shut Up , not what I think yani la ! , she interrupted. Loudly. Exactly how she interrupted our dates, fights, conversations and my freedom. She was that friend who would join you for dinner and order more food than you. She would probably want to sit in the front seat if I was driving. The good thing is I didn’t own a car and she had hers. I pitied her boyfriend. Poor soul never got his boyfriend allowance I presume. Tinashe was a pure madafakha in the flesh. Amafakhi engawagivi.
She wasn’t always like this. She used be sweet. Very sweet. Like suspiciously sweet. It all ended when she made a move at me when Sofia was out of town. Business trip, she said, but odd enough the male bestfriend drove her. UnaHonda Fit came over and we had a few drinks, I drank ingud after ingud, she had brought 7 ngudus for me.Zawa ! She drank her Zambezi slowly and when the vibe was correct she attacked. Ishuu ! Being the loyal boyfriend I was I pushed her away. I also didn’t have rubbers. So she has hated me since. Her life purpose became destroying everything I had if if she couldn’t have me.
Ngithe , wenzani ! She shouted.
Like slay queens to a free party, everyone stopped and came to watch. She had a stage. To top it all, she had on a Ungena Ngaphi tshirt. The only thing missing was a pair of Chuck Taylor’s. I have never seen so many phones pointed at me. She was acting like I was cheating on her. If I was dating her, maybe I would have. But not my Fia. Her vows to end my dating career were as real as my fear of humiliation and orobai . Before Sofia left for another business trip in Gwanda, we had had a fight about something Nashe had told her. Apparently I was cheating with my ex. The streets didn’t have the news so she promised to prove her theory. Fia and I got over it. Bulawayo men don’t cheat. She knew that too well. And here I was, hand in hand with an ex. I swear this was not the ex I was cheating with. Not that I was cheating but you get the point. I had just met Vovo. Pure coincidence. I hope. Tinashe caused a scene, she started insulting Vovo and I. That all looked staged. A show. A page out of Raisedon’s book maybe. I was doomed. But we move. This was Bulawayo not Gweru. We move.
“Fusek ! uyenzwa , ngithi Fusek !” she roared until Vovo stormed away.
And that is how I lost the script. My impulses led to go after YV and we parted ways later. Understand this bazalwane, if you have a public confrontation with bae or any of her friends, you go to them not the other person. Tinashe ended her mini rant as I left. And that’s how she got ammunition. I gave her the perfect setting to bury me. A public place, lunch with an ex and an audience. If I’m not mistaken Samkeliso was somewhere in the audience. Ngafa. That meant if ever a story emerged about me, people had pictures. Nxa ! I got played. Nothing was going to ruin my payday. My sweat and energy. I still had money. I called Alpha for drinks. He was busy with whatever Twitter people do all day.I think uBhudas was avoiding me, amaSabatha. So I called Ndues boy. The boy is a German tanker. Isdakwa. We were going to baptize umnyama with beer I called umabhebeza, she was fine. So I was fine. I was safe. We were fine sigrand. Tinashe hadn’t ruined my life.
Cubana ikhaya lami, I sang as I made my way there. Nothing a few black labels couldn’t fix. Terrible idea but Siyabangena .It was getting late, staying was my first mistake. The best time for drinking if have money. No one makes the schedule when you’re drinking your own money yazin. The drinking was great. The bartender looked like Nigel. We were secure, all the fights that happened skipped us. The not responding to my phone for the whole time was not so great. Second and worst mistake when you’re dating. Ndues and I drank and made plans of boycotting the ROILBAA20 if Windi Womtshova was not nominated for something. Anything . It was the booze talking. The plans were all in iSilungu, the accidental superpower from alcohol. The superpower I needed to justify my actions later. At around a few minutes past curfew, or whatever the time was when we wanted to leave. I checked my phone. 11 Missed calls. 20 mentions on Twitter. 1 candy crush notification and 3 texts. My heart skipped a beat. My mjolo life was threatened. When I was about to unlock my phone, the club music stopped. I lost my composure. The buhlungus were taking a new course. Sokunyiwa the way.
“Masungwa mese.. handei”,
This hungry looking guy in a blue worksuit said. It was a police uniform apparently. I was drunk. He had a crew of similar looking folk, no rovai so we were still safe. I tried pushing a few notes to the guy. Wrong guy. Last and final mistake for the night. He took all my money and I still landed ejele. The journey there was close to teleportation, ubuthakathi. Central police is way closer than you would imagine. It was all okay until I saw who came after me. When it rains kuyana . Where was her honda fit and phone then ? Karma. Turns out everyone who was turning up that day ended in jail. Influencer , masaka,bribers people who ruin relationships and rich people like me earlier that day. Justice. Even Asaph was there. Or maybe I was seeing things. But I am pretty sure I saw the whole Vagina Monologues cast. I think I also saw half of the HnS so-called-influencers, jail never looked so colorful. You’d swear it was a puzzlemoment photoshoot.
The good thing is bailing out for such detentions was not a problem. Bae was going to bail me out. Or send someone since she was away .Right ? But how could she bail me out when she also walked in with a group from Shisha that got arrested after us ? Umjolo is not for the faint hearted or people from Selbourne Park. I died a small death. How was she there ? When did she come back ? We couldn’t speak because of how packed it was. She got bailed out in about 10 minutes by this gigantic bearded angel looking man. He looked like someone you would bring ice to in a family meeting. Like uMalume oyinjiva. Who was this guy ? How did he know her ? I had to find out. One of the people there called him by name…