Umjolo, The Buhlungus
The air was as light as my head then. My anxiety was screaming as loud as Bosso fans, this was it. The plan was going my way. Nothing ever went my way which made me uneasy. Life had a thing of showing me none of my plans mattered. The true life of a Zimbabwean boyfriend. I mean if everything were up to me I would have been home enjoying my boyfriend allowance. Probably expecting my weekly data top up from Fia. But here I was, on my way to confront her. My only consolation was YV was with me the whole way.
Never trust exs. That’s the lesson for you. I trusted mine and we were going to enjoy dinner paid for by her boyfriend. We got to the spot, being the gentleman I was I paid AD . With Fia’s money, she sent ecocash to get me to town. He refused to take the money because that’s how sweet Bulawayo men are. The moment of reckoning was upon us. I could almost picture Fia and Miko’s face when they saw both of us. We got in side, grand entrance. My palms were sweaty as that time I almost got beat up by these girls in highschool. The spirits of ubufebe wouldn’t let me rest. Bulawayo women know how to fix the country, they beat the man not the other woman.
“Salibonani, welcome to our castle, may I take your coats ” This beautiful lady said.
i can't believe we used to lamz random strangers at groove😭— thenotsoblackunicorn (@misschi__) October 7, 2020
Our hostess I figured. Her face was familiar. I knew her from somewhere. I couldn’t really place where, but I knew her. Her name was labelled on her apron , Chi. I swore I knew her, if not biblically it had to be something pleasant I hoped. My focus was glued on her while YV did what she did best. Wilding. Seing Mikos there with Fia conjured her inner Cowdray Park-ness. I had never seen that side of her. Her rage looked pretty and electric in a dress. It was happening. This was the moment I had planned. She was going to fight her boyfriend and save my relationship. Well, I was wrong as usual. YV went straight for Fia. That was the first mistake she made. My baby was vicious when threatened, that’s one of the reasons why I loved her. She was straight up gangster at times.
“Kawukhoni kugcina your boyfriend now you want mine !” She yelled. Fia didn’t respond. I wondered why.
Like lightning, YV’s slap struck Fia. Now understand this bazalwane. Slapping a Bulawayo woman is like calling spirits of the Mzilikazi’s army. Fia retaliated with a Mfecane laced mpama, YV lost balance and fell. I almost shed a few tears, that was the first time women fought for me. I had heard stories about women fighting for men but they didn’t mention how it felt. What was surprising was that no one tried to break the fight. I looked around to find similar looking faces. This was a private event. Everyone there had Fia’s features. Except YV and I. This was a private event. A family event. So that meant Mikos was family. Nganya. I had forgotten the significance of that day. It was our anniversary.
“So because uyatshaya, that’s why you want to take my boyfriend ?” YV said, with tears streaming down her pretty face. Mikos finally stood and broke the fight. He took YV outside. Chi signaled me to go to the restroom so I complied. I needed allies after that humiliating display of emotions. Chi was Tinashe’s cousin, that’s how I knew her. Bulawayo is a small place. She told me about how Fia wanted to propose to me. That explained a few things but I still didn’t understand why Mikos was there. Chi cleared that out when she was balancing me on what was happening. Mikos was the loaded cousin who managed the restaurant we were in and he had shares at Shisha. What if my allowance came from him ? I needed this man in my life. I couldn’t live without him. I needed to be in his good books.
I rejoined the event. Siyabangena without shame. I went straight to my sweetheart who was still shaken by the fight. My consolation was that she didn’t know YV had been with me that afternoon. We waited for Mikos to come back. He was the speaker for the night. Fia knew I hated surprises so she told me what was happening. She was going to propose to me. I was going to be her fiance. The idea was terrible. I mean she didn’t know my ring size. Was she going to kneel ? Maybe I was going to kneel and accept the ring like a knight. Marrying her had always been my dream but she wore most of the pants in our relationship. Not simping bazalwane but money speaks louder than gender. In my ecstasy Mikos came in blazing.
I have never been beaten like that in my life. By a light skinned man for that matter. I lost more than my ego that day. My girlfriend too left me. My tango with YV meant I had not only betrayed Fia but also played in my future cousin-in-laws garden. The beating became a family affair. Fia kepy trying to shield me but her brother and other cousins were on a rampage. Till now, I pee sitting down, there are parts of me that still hurt. And bazalwane that’s how I lost my boyfriend allowance. YV never spoke to me again, it was my choice. And because I was broke.
Bazalwane, umjolo is not a game. As long you’re not dating Tinashe or anyone from Cowdray Park. Anyways, I’m dating Chi from the restaurant now. She makes me happy. We move.
Thank you for reading and sorry for cutting this short.